Where did it go wrong?
I ask myself where it all went wrong. Was it when I was four and passed around? Where my body was torn and used, the beatings, the emotional abuse, the neglect. Maybe it was when I was seven and so broken that I stopped believing in anything good and just learned how to survive. Could it have been all the abuse that continued to happen in the system?
How about when I was married at 14 to a 21-year-old selfish, neglectful, abusive man? My spirit was broken so many times, but my will, my mind, my strength could not be taken. I know now it was given by God. I was full of anger and hate for so many years. One day an angel was born to me. For the first time I felt a mother’s surge of protection and love. My heart’s armor cracked. Compassion overran my hatred, love over ran my anger.
Through the years no matter what was done, I lived for my angel. I was blessed with four more angels born to me. At the time I didn’t know what God had given me. Since, I turned my back on Him and all His hope. Now, that I have returned to Jesus I know that He gave me back my heart through each angel blessed to me.
My hope was given when I failed to see through my brokenness He never left, I was blinded by my shattered spirit. So, I have to ask where did it go wrong or maybe it didn’t. Maybe this journey was always meant to strengthen what was shattered. Maybe it was meant to help me see the pain of my past and each dent it made. I can heal now and know who God has always meant for me to be.
Yes, prison is as bad as everyone hears. Though it is also a choice. You can learn to overcome, or you can give in and give up. That is how I know I will be stronger, smarter because of Jesus. Through my pain and through my past, He gave me the will and strength to never give up. To fight and push through. So, maybe in the end nothing went wrong and it’s just a step toward a fulfilled journey.